


Consequences

by boomboombam (sarfati)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Cheating, Clexa, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/F, Love, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-15 23:32:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16073684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarfati/pseuds/boomboombam
Summary: "You don't cheat on someone you love. You could've broken up with me. We weren't even going through a rough time in our relationship. Everything was perfect." / AU, Oneshot.





	Consequences

**Clarke's POV**  
  
I dropped Finn off three blocks away from his house in LA. As he shut the door behind him and waved goodbye with a cheeky grin on his face, I felt my stomach turn. What have I done? Suddenly it was all weighing in on me. Our talks, our flirting, the kissing... everything. I started the car and drove off, feeling blind and heavy. I panicked as I acknowledged the cars around me. Has anyone seen us? I shook my head in denial, I wanted to take all those thoughts out of my head, dump them somewhere and go back into Lexa's arms.  
  
But I felt like a monster. I looked at my shaking hands, barely holding the steering wheel and her golden ring was shining bright on my finger. I swallowed heavily and thought to myself again that I am really the worst of the worst. I reached my pocket for my phone and dialed Lexa's number immediately.  
  
"Hey, babe," she answered right away and the picture of her, lying around with a cold drink in one hand and the TV remote in the other appeared in my mind. I felt like crying. "You there?"  
  
"Yeah, hey honey. How are you?"  
  
"Just chilling around, too hot to do anything really. Aren't you supposed to come home soon? Kinda miss your sweet little ass." I stopped the car on the side of the road so I could focus on our conversation because I knew that otherwise I'd get myself into a very nasty situation. Her words, the familiarity between us and the thought of what I'd just done made me hurt and cry and I had to keep it cool with her.  
  
"I am baby, I just ran a bit late at the gym."  
  
"Then I'll rephrase. Missing your sweaty ass," she laughed and I could tell she took a sip of her drink right after.  
  
"I love you, honey. I love you more than anything."  
  
"I love you too babe. Come home"  
  
I hung up and looked in front of me at the busy road. I wanted to be there, right now, in her arms, on our couch. I wanted her to hold me tight while I pat our dog Lincoln on the back. I wanted her to tell me she's hungry so I can cook something delicious. But because that was not what I wanted an hour ago, I had to live with the consequences.  
  
As soon as I started the engine again, the phone rang. Raven. A bad feeling exploded in my stomach right away. I took the phone with my shaking hands and wasn't even able to say a word.  
  
"You have got to be kidding me Clarke! I just got a call from fucking US Weekly, they have a gazillion pictures of you and Finn making out and what not! They are publishing them along with a fucking article in a few days! I tried to get a deal or something but nothing can top what they have on their hands right now. Are you there?!"  
  
I wasn't even that shocked anymore. I had this feeling since I picked Finn up. And still.. I blindly went along with it.  
  
"Why in a few days?"  
  
"What on earth is up with you? I tell you all of this and that's what you want to ask!? I'm going mental here my phones are ringing like crazy and I'm in over my head. How do I get you out of your own shit this time Clarke, tell me!?  
  
"You can't... It's done. Will Lexa find out?"  
  
"Well... I suppose not until they publish it. US said they aren't planning on contacting her PR team. Go home and tell her right away, Clarke."  
  
"No, I'll tell her right before it all surfaces," I said and hung up.  
  
I knew that telling her will undoubtedly be the most difficult and devastating thing I'd have to do to myself and to Lexa. So I decided to delay it as much as I could, enjoy her for longer. I was selfish, but I knew it would be the last time.  
  
_***_  
  
"You look so pretty in the morning", she said, caressing my hair and planting a kiss on my forehead. "So cute and innocent." My heart sank and I threw my arms around her, trying not to show how devastated I was. She hugged me and kept me in her loving arms. I never wanted to let go, never wanted to leave our bed, because once I'd be out of there, I'd be gone for good.  
  
As soon as her phone rang, my heart stopped. Before I could regain strength and tell her not to answer, it was too late. I stood there frozen with panic.  
  
"Good morning, Gustus" she said cheerfully. I could tell her expression changed a bit after hearing Gustus' tone. She listened carefully for what seemed like hours, not once turning to look at me. "I see," she finally said. "No." She hung up and looked at the ceiling for a few minutes. I was too frightened to say anything but the moment I tried to reach her, she sprung out of bed as if I burnt her.  
  
"Don't touch me. Get out of bed, pack your bags, say goodbye to Lincoln and leave."  
  
That exact moment felt like an avalanche. I was caught in it and couldn't save either of us. "Lexa please, listen to me, I beg you!" I managed to blurt out, stumbling upon anything that was in my way. I chased after her around the house like a faithful puppy craving for the indifferent mistress affection. "I beg you! Baby please... please listen to what I have to say..." I said and started crying. I crashed on the floor and curled up in a ball, trying to control my sobbing. Immediately I felt two hands yanking me and holding me so tight that it hurt.  
  
"What do you have to say, Clarke? That you cheated on me? That you fucked some guy behind my back? That it was your director who you've been with in Australia up until last week? That he's fucking married and has children? WHAT CLARKE? Have I not heard enough already?"  
  
She was furious, she was shaking me back and forth, her fingers burning through my bare skin. I cried as a response and she got even angrier. "What is WRONG with you? Have I not given you all of me? Was it not enough? I'd give up my life it that's what it took for you to be alive, you know I would! I gave you my heart and you fucking sliced it open in front of EVERYONE!" She let go of me and I crashed on the floor once again, crying uncontrollably.  
  
For the following hours I heard her walking around the house, cursing now and then, taking phone calls and giving angry answers. After what seemed like ages she finally came back to me, lifted me from the floor and put me on our sofa. She kneeled down in front of me and I could see that she was not the woman I woke up to that morning. I had ruined her.  
  
"I want you to listen to me without starting to cry again, can you manage that or do I need to call Finn in to rub his groin against your ass?" My eyes widened in shock. I had never seen this side of Lexa. I only knew the nice, loving, funny her. "I'm not going to release any statement regarding this, it's your shit and you have to wipe it off yourself. And as I can see you're in no state of going anywhere and since I can't stand being near you anymore I have packed my bags and I'm leaving soon."  
  
"Where?..." I managed to ask as she got up. She sat on the armchair next to me, her head in her hands.  
  
"I booked a hotel room and a ticket to London, I'm not sure which way I'll go yet." It was the first time she sounded a bit calmer. She was probably exhausted so I took a chance and sat next to her and wrapped my arms around her,  
  
"I love you. I love you more than anything in this world and I am so sorry that if I knew killing myself would make it better for you I'd do it right now..."  
  
"You don't cheat on someone you love, Clarke. You could've broken up with me. We weren't even going through a rough time in our relationship. Everything was perfect."  
  
"I know and I'm so stupid and ashamed and sorry and... "  
  
"And it won't make anything better."  
  
"I love you. I love you so much..." I said and rested my head on her shoulder. She didn't move.  
  
"I thought we had everything."  
  
"We did. We do."  
  
"No, don't go there."  
  
"I love you", was all I could add. She got up and so did I. We stood there, facing each other, trying to take a last good look. She was sad, she had cried and she was tired. I figured that on a normal day by that hour I'd be in the kitchen, cooking something for both of us, she'd be annoying me with her impatience. We'd sit down and eat, discuss our plans for the day. Then we'd sit in our garden with a drink, watching Lincoln chase bees and butterflies. One of us would get an important phone call and would have to leave the house. We'd kiss passionately and say goodbye, already dreaming of the next time we'll see each other. Now there wouldn't be a next time.  
  
She planted a kiss on my forehead. She lingered on and I could feel her pain, I could feel her tears on my skin. That was the end of it. That was the conclusion to our romance: a kiss on the forehead for the homewrecking slut. She took a few steps away from me, took one last look and walked away. Before she went off the door and without turning around, she mouthed "Someone's coming for Lincoln as soon as I decide what I'll be doing with my life." She then opened the door and walked out of my life.  
  
I crashed on the floor and cried my pain away. I could feel my heart aching and wanting to die from all the sorrow it was filled with. My eyes were burning from the hot tears that ran down my cheeks uncontrollably. I rested my head on my hands and closed my eyes. I could only think of her, only of her, of us. Of our future. All our plans, everything was gone. We wanted a wedding, we wanted a child or more. We wanted to become a family, but who wants to marry a cheater? I reached for a pillow on the sofa and bit it hard, trying not to scream. There was emotional pain, there was physical pain, there was no love.  
  
I opened my eyes and noticed Lincoln waiting at the door. He turned around and looked at me puzzled. Just like a kid who had never seen his parents fight, he didn't understand what was happening. I got up and took him into my arms, cradled him against my chest, holding on as much as I could to the last remnants of Lexa.  
  
The next few days I spent in bed, surrounded by our sheets and some clothes that she had left behind. I inhaled their scent so many times that they had lost Lexa's smell already. I cried because of that as well. Time was slowly erasing every inch of her.  
  
A couple of days later my phone started ringing and when I saw her name light up on my screen I jumped with happiness and grabbed it from the nightstand, naively hoping for the best.  
  
"Lexa?"  
  
"Yes. Have you packed your bags yet?"  
  
"N-no... Should I?"  
  
"You should. Gustus is coming over for Lincoln this evening. It would be great if you could leave right afterwards."  
  
"Lexa... Where are you?" I cried, holding one of her t-shirt to my chest.  
  
"It doesn't matter Clarke where I am now, where I'll be tomorrow, that's none of your concern anymore."  
  
"Baby... baby I love you, please... Can you give me a chance to explain? Can I see you one more time?"  
  
"Explain what? I've seen the picture, I've seen the statements. I have to give it to you though. I've always been very cautious and jealous, possessive of you because it always seemed like you'd slip through my fingers at any moment. But I would've never imagined. Never. I'd give you an Oscar for this, honestly. You fooled me like a pro."  
  
It broke my heart so many times hearing her talk like this that I was wondering what was keeping me alive anymore.  
  
"Lexa please, let me see you. I beg you! I beg you, if there is even a shadow of the love you had for me in you, let me see you again. I feel like I'm slowly dying without you..."  
  
"Please... Clarke.. don't play that card. Not now. You must be delusional if you think there's just a shadow of my love left in me. You're not a fool. But seeing you right now would kill me instead. And I've learned to be selfish... from you. Be ready when Gustus comes." And with that she hung up.

 **Lexa's POV**  
  
More than a week had gone by since I had last seen her. It made me feel empty and ill and old. She used to give me the energy I needed to get through the day and now I was powerless, as if someone had removed my batteries. I got up from the sofa and decided to have a look inside Indra's bar. Surely she wouldn't notice if I opened a bottle. I decided on a nice looking whiskey, something to get me through the evening and grant me a good night's sleep. I sat down and drank, and drank, and drank... and by my 6th glass I couldn't see clearly anymore. Or think... I took my phone from my pocket and without giving it a second thought I dialed her number. It was already late and in my mind I thought she wouldn't pick up. But she did after the first ring.  
  
"Lexa?..." she said, her voice sleepy, but alarmed.  
  
"You... ruined me... You played me, made me worship the fuck out of you and then pissed on me. Was there any love at any time? Or was it just me who was hopelessly in love with you? Hm??? TELL ME CLARKE, I DESERVE TO KNOW! Have you ever in your life loved me half as much as I loved you?!"  
  
She was crying and it annoyed me. As much as I wanted to be cruel to her, like she was with me, it hurt when she was in pain. It still did. It hurt even when I'd read all those hateful tabloids. All of them were on my side, while I was on hers.  
  
"I love you more than anything, Lexa! Please tell me what you want me to do to make you happy again... Please, i beg you. I'm a wreck knowing that you're hurting because of me..."  
  
"You ruined me... you fucking ruined me... I gave you every inch of myself and you stepped on it with all your hate!"  
  
"Honey, please.... please, don't torture me... please, it makes me want to die knowing you think that..."  
  
"I lost everything along with you. EVERYTHING! Everything I was and had was invested in you, all of my love! I'm empty, Clarke. You stole everything inside me. I will not be able to love again because of you, you selfish cheating liar!" I yelled at her and I could almost hear her heart tearing up. She screamed of pain, crying like I've never heard anyone cry before. And it made me cry as well... "I loved you... You were the woman of my dreams, Clarke. I chased after you like a puppy and when I finally had you I thought I was living a fairytale. You were the love of my life, my best friend, my family, my wife... the mother of my children... the one I'd hold into my arms while watching my grandchildren play outside. YOU WERE THE ONE! I loved you like I never thought a woman could..."  
  
"Honey, please... let me see you, let's talk about this face to face. Will you allow me that?"  
  
I poured another glass of whiskey and downed it, the alcohol burning my chest, right where my heart used to be.  
  
"Baby... Can I come see you?" she insisted.  
  
I looked at the clock, it was past 1 already.  
  
"It's too late."  
  
"I don't care. Are you at Indra's place?"  
  
"Yes, but... don't... ah fuck it, do whatever you want."  
  
I hung up and poured another glass. What just happened? Before I could realize the gravity of my actions, I fell asleep with my head on the table. My dreams were blurry and scary and I was agitated. I felt sweat coming down my spine and when my phone rang it was almost a blessing. It was Clarke and the doorbell was ringing as well. I pressed the intercom buzzer and allowed her in. She opened the door and stood there, looking at me. I could tell she put some effort into the way she looked but cried all the way here. Her mascara was all over her face and it made her look weak and disarmed. I didn't like that. She dropped her bag on the floor and covered her face with her hands. She started crying.  
  
"You came here to cry?" I asked annoyed, pouring myself yet another glass. She sobbed uncontrollably for a couple more minutes.  
  
"I can't even... be near you... anymore... It's killing me..." she cried. She was now curled up, her knees bent. I took a step towards her but then went back. I didn't even know how to act around her anymore. It felt like that time together had never existed. It was as if we were meeting for the first time and we didn't really like each other. "It's killing me," she repeated, shaking her head. "I drove all the way here, I had so many things on my mind that I wanted to tell you and... as soon as I get here... the only thing in my head is the sound of my heart breaking over and over again."  
  
I sat on the stool in front of me, casually sipping my whiskey. In my drunken state I found that quite funny, her little role.  
  
"I'm dying, Lexa... I'm dying..." she cried, her head still in her hands. "I can't do this anymore, just tell me we're done so I can go rot in a cave somewhere, I can't cling to this anymore..."  
  
I felt the need to get up and help her somehow. The more I looked at her, the more she disappeared in front of me. She wasn't even half of the Clarke I knew before. I kneeled in front of her and lifted her head to face me.  
  
"You'll be fine," I said and kissed her forehead. It felt so normal to do it. It used to be my favorite thing in the world. She'd always been like a child in need of protection to me. I could feel her shiver and tremble at the touch of my lips on her skin.  
  
"Don't... " she shook her head, her tears falling on my hands. If my mind would let me forget I would have taken her back that very instant, I would've taken her into my arms, kissed her and told her that my love for her is too big to let me stay away from her for too long. But my memory was my enemy now. My eyes couldn't see only her anymore, _he_ was a presence everywhere now. And I still loved her, I loved her as much as any human can, but she made me weak and disgusted.  
  
"Why? Why did you do it? Give me one reason for it, it's the least I deserve."  
  
She took my hands from her face and held them in hers. She looked at me with the same love in her eyes as she did before and it made me question my sanity. Has everything actually happened or was I hallucinating?  
  
"I know that everyone is expecting an explanation... they want me to say that I lost my mind, that I wanted a way out of our relationship, that I fell in love with Finn... just anything at all to justify this. And trust me I'd love to find a reason, but I can't... I don't have one."  
  
"Are you shitting me?" I yelled at her and got up, trying to get rid of her hands which were still holding mine. "Are you fucking kidding me? Then why the fuck didn't you just come home after gym? How long has this been going on? TELL ME!"  
  
"We just met that one time in LA that was it! I swear, Lexa! There was some flirting when we went to Australia, but nothing happened!"  
  
"You're lying! I can tell! You're a fucking cheater and a liar!" I yelled and headed towards to whiskey bottle and drank straight from it. I already felt like the room was spinning, but I didn't care. I needed to pass out and maybe suffer from memory loss. "I adored you, Clarke... I adored you, I used to look at you every morning and think to myself that I must be dreaming, you were too good to be true. I used to take your pillow instead of mine after you went for work early so I could still feel you in bed with me somehow."  
  
Clarke started crying again and it made my anger build up even more.  
  
"Stop fucking crying and say something to your defense!"  
  
"I'M SORRY! What more do you want me to say?! I never wanted Finn, I never wanted any of this I'm just a retarded fucked up girl who messed everyone up royally!"  
  
"Messed up? That is a hell of an understatement! You KILLED me! You killed us! Tell me, how will I be able to ever fall in love again with this on my back? Explain it to me, how will I ever be able to not compare everyone else to you and then back off realizing that I might get hurt like this again?" I took another mouthful of whiskey and threw the bottle away.  
  
"Stop fucking drinking, it won't make it any better!"  
  
"And you stop whoring around!"  
  
She got up and ran straight to me, hitting my chest with her tiny fists, crying while doing it. It almost made me laugh.  
  
"I didn't sleep with him! I didn't! We just kissed, we just fucking kissed!"  
  
"Just because I've been nice to you all this time doesn't mean that I've grown immune to your lies!  
  
"I'm not lying! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!" she said, throwing punches. I grabbed her arms and we just stood there, looking at each other, anger in both our eyes, fear in our skins, love in our hearts... It was destroying me, having her so close and yet not mine. I fumed with frustration and I could tell I was hurting her, but she didn't say anything, she wasn't even blinking, she was numb, lost in me. I got closer and touched her cheek. It was still wet from the tears she had shed. Even then she looked so beautiful, so pure, her big blue eyes were almost screaming at me to forgive her. She bit her lip and all of a sudden the devil in me went alive, igniting a fire inside that burnt my chest, my throat, my mind. I grabbed her hips, pulled her against me and kissed her as if it was my last chance.  
  
**Clarke's POV**  
  
I gave in. I gave in even before she touched me. I craved her lips like nothing more in this world. It was nothing like the way she used to kiss me before, nothing like the gentle, sweet and soft kisses we shared before the mayhem. This was animalistic, raw, it felt dangerous and I wasn't sure I liked where it was going, but my longing for her erased any doubt in my mind. She grabbed my thighs and lifted me up on the counters. Her tongue was erratic, her hands all over me, hurting me with each touch... it wasn't what I wanted. This wasn't the way I wanted her back. This was just her showing me how angry she still was. I pushed back.  
  
"Lexa, stop..." but she didn't. She pulled me back against her and started unbuttoning my shirt. "Lexa! Stop it, I don't want this!"  
  
"I know I might not be as experienced as your 40 year old lover, but you used to love it." she said with a disturbing look on his face.  
  
"Okay I'm done, there's no way anyone can have a decent conversation with your right now." I jumped off the counters, grabbed my bag and headed towards the door. "I wish someday... someday you'll be able to see me the way you saw me before all this... and realize that it meant nothing to me, despite what it has caused. I hope for your own good that you'll be able to forgive and forget because seeing you like this is tearing up my heart. This isn't you, this animal isn't you. Please..."  
  
And then, that exact moment, Lexa broke down. I became her catalyst once more. She punched the counter where I sat just minutes before and cried angrily. She looked at me like a furious beast, but her words were mild.  
  
"Don't leave me, please... stay with me tonight."  
  
"Lexa, I can't.. I don't want it like this. You're drunk and I'd honestly do anything to be with you again, but angry sex won't solve our problems or make you forgive me. I'll just leave here even more heartbroken..."  
  
"No, no... No... I didn't mean that. I'm sorry about before. I just... I just want to hold you close one more time and breathe you in so I can remember you well."  
  
Her words broke something in me so badly I thought my heart had stopped working. What had I done to this woman? How could I ever even look at another when I had her on my mind and in my heart? I dropped my bag and ran to her, wrapping my arms around her as strong as I could. I looked her in the eyes and nodded. "Of course... of course..." I said, smiling so widely my face was hurting. She smiled back and took my hand, leading me towards the bedroom. We laid down on the bed, both on the same side, her arms around me, our legs intertwined, looking into each other's eyes.  
  
"What am I going to do without you?" she whispered, her fingers playing with my hair.  
  
"What were you doing before you met me?"  
  
She stared at me for a few moments, her hand now resting on my cheek. "Before I met you I was trying to find you."  
  
I smiled, trying to hold back the tears. I softly kissed her lips, lingering on the emotion the touch gave me. "Then try finding me again. We both know we're destined to grow old and ugly together."  
  
She smirked and kissed my forehead, my nose, my mouth... "I'll look for you in everyone. And when I'll finally realize they're not you, I'll find you."  
  
"And I'll look for you in my heart, and when I'll finally forgive myself I know you'll find me."

 

**Author's Note:**

> The forgotten file on my computer that I just adapted to Clexa. Because I wanted to, because I could and because it should be out there, somewhere even if it's just here. I made it a one shot and I think I corrected all the mistakes. I am not a native speaker but I tried my best. Last update: 09/23/2018 1:00PM


End file.
